The break-up

This weekend has been a bit of a nightmare.

On Friday night, despite the ‘no contact’ rule, the Lieutenant decided to send me a ‘this made me think of you’ email. What he sent was sweet but it wasn’t really necessary. It was a way of getting my attention.

I had spent the day emailing best friends telling them how much I wanted to contact him. I had been told that under no circumstances was I allowed to. Being the obedient girl I am (ahem) I stuck to ‘no contact’. I can only imagine that he was feeling the same but didn’t get told that he’d get his arse kicked if anyone found out he had contacted me.

So, there is was. Waiting in my inbox for me, flashing up saying ‘read me’. So I read it and then. of course, I clicked reply. And that is where it all went wrong. We started an email conversation. I went for drinks with work people, he went for drinks with friends. I called him. He acted like a myriad of guys I’ve dated in the past, but nothing like him. He spoke down to me and when I hung up, I cried. Do I really know this guy at all? Do I have him all wrong? I never imagined he could make me feel this way.

He called me later that night and when I didn’t answer (I was asleep), I received a simple reply accusing me of being with someone else. Firstly, we aren’t together, if I want to be with someone else, then I can. Secondly, I wasn’t. I had spent the night in tears because of him. He is the only one I want.

Saturday came around and he apologised profusely. I told him I needed to see him. That night, I went to his place. He hugged me, he kissed me, he apologised. He cooked dinner and we talked, and he was him again. He clearly deeply regretted taking anger out on me (that apparently should have been directed at his ex) and he promised that it will never happen again. We went to bed together. I shouldn’t have stayed. But, I did.

Then, Sunday arrived and I had to leave. Tears ensued. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. The no contact rule clearly does not work for us, so now, we’re allowed to contact but we’re not allowed to see each other. This is exhausting.

And, just in case you were wondering, this is what he wanted to tell me.  He had seen the below astrological horoscope for me, which reminded him of me:

You are, in a sense, a hero of the heart, one who takes the heroic challenge of loving again. One who knows the difference between love and lust. One who as not given in to the temptations of falling out of love. Hoorah for you and your loyal soul.

So, if I don’t fall out of love with the Lieutenant, where does that leave me?


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