The Saturn Return

Whilst I was away , or not blogging (I didn’t really go anywhere, I just didn’t take the time to put anything on here), I made the decision to see a person who specialises in astrological tarot. Now I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe in this sort of thing and I fully respect your beliefs. I however, am a person who reads my horoscope everyday, who is fascinated by the insight I read and no, I don’t believe that you can read anything you like into it. Does it always hit the nail on the head? No. But a lot of the time I find it does work for me and provide me comfort.

I am a little bit of a doubter though, so I was pretty skeptical when the lovely Leanda first arrived at my door. I was determined that she wouldn’t know anything about me, that way if she got things right, great. If she didn’t, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. We sat down and started the reading. I chose cards at random and placed them around the astrological chart that had been lain on the table. What she then told me shocked me, brought tears to my eyes and a slight shake to my voice and filled me with confidence for the future.

Firstly she told me about the ‘Saturn Return’. Now I’ve wikipedied (don’t you love it when you make up a word) it to give you an accurate description of what that means:

…as Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life…

Now, this generally happens at around 29 years old. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Leanda, having looked at my birth chart and my cards, described my Saturn Return as being the equivalent to someone playing ’52 card pick-up’ with my life. Oh, hello, that sounds familiar. So, it seems 2012 was meant to be a rather crappy year for me, and the reason behind it was to clear my life of old worries so that I could start on a new path.

The whole session was very interesting and, I am pleased to say that according to the cards, I am headed towards a very beautiful and satisfactory life. However, I’m still clearing up the mess that the Saturn Return left and tying up some loose ends. That works for me. Here’s to 2013!

It’s been a long time and so much has happened

What started out as a promise to blog everyday for 2013, hasn’t exactly turned out the way it should have. I find myself in April, with my last blog entry being back in January! How has this happened? How has time gotten away from me so quickly? And how, has it been so easy for me to break my own promise to myself?

The truth is simple. Lots has happened on the love, work, life, health front and blogging just fell to the wayside. I can’t guarantee that won’t happen again, but I can guarantee I feel bad that I haven’t been on here and I will try harder.

In a nutshell what’s been going on to keep me so busy? Well here it is (in the brief format, and I hope, over the next month or so, to go into it into more detail):

  1. The Lieutenant – it has been on and off, and then on and off.  We are now, since yesterday on an off, an off with no contact allowed.  As I talked about before, the Lieutenant wasn’t long out of a relationship when we met.  The aftershock (as I like to think of it) of that relationship is continuing even now.  Emails from the ex, reminders of the boy she cheated on him with, little things that you can’t run away from, keep happening.  And then, with me, he realised he was falling in love again.  And he consciously stopped himself because he didn’t want to get hurt.  As soon as he did it, he knew he had to let me go, until his heart was ready to love again.  It hurt.  But I believe he has done the right thing and I am prepared to let him go, in the hope that one day he will come back and he will be ready to love.  We tried being friends, but whenever we met, there was a clear sexual tension in the room.  The night would end with kissing and then tears.  It is best to stay apart until his heart has healed.
  2. Health – you may recall I had a scare at the end of 2012.  It was the thing that topped off the so called ‘worst year of my life’.  I had an abnormal pap smear test.  Then in January I went to the colposcopy clinic and was told that it didn’t look like anything.  The results came back, and it is something.  I am booked in for a large loop excision of the transformation zone (LLETZ) next month.  It’s a scary prospect and the more goggling I do the more scary it gets.  We all know that if you look anything up on the internet, it always point to death.  I am staying positive, and will blog about this to give my perspective for anyone going through the same thing.
  3. Work – I slog my guts out for very little reward.  This coming week will see what reward I get.
  4. Life – my life is getting more and more simple and that is the way I like it.  My puppy and I have spent this Easter chilling out and enjoying each other’s company.  Which is exactly what we were doing today, when this picture was taken:
Too tired to play

Too tired to play

After a long walk around Sydney Park, Jess was tired.  Too tired to play.  And today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘play’.  A great pic and a great memory to kick start this blog again!

 

 

From a bad day, to the best night

After an average day in the office, I arrived at the train station two minutes late for my train. This meant that I had to battle with my phone, which then died, to try and figure out how to get home. I don’t live that far from the city, but if I miss a direct train, it’s a long wait for another so, I have to get several connections.

With a dead phone in hand, I could feel an anger rising up inside me. An anger I don’t feel very often anymore but, at this time last year, I felt everyday. It’s an anger that happens when nothing is going right. When there is frustration and confusion. When no one is helping you.

I got home to find that the guy I was buying a washing machine off, and picking up that night, had accidentally double booked himself so I couldn’t get the washing machine. The anger raged.

Then, I got a message from him. The man I met on Friday night. The man who is too soon out of a relationship for anything to really happen between us. He had offered to help me with the washing machine so I told him there was no need. He wanted to see me anyway. So I drove to his place. I was in a foul mood and I told him that. But he still wanted to see me. I was actually a little concerned about how he would react to my mood. I know that I can be an absolute bitch when it comes to it. It was a sticking point in my last relationship. My ex couldn’t deal with me when I’d had a bad day. His answer was to get takeout (I hate takeout and prefer home cooked meals), lounge on the couch and not be concerned about the cleaning, washing or anything else that needed doing. And, as I sat there, I would think about all those jobs that we should be doing and the rage inside me would continue to burn.

When my man got into the car yesterday, I was so angry. But within five minutes, and with one very brief touch, the anger had passed. I was smiling. I was laughing. My day had turned around. We went back to mine, we delivered a dining table to a lady with an autistic child who was unable to pick up (I am selling things that don’t fit/go with my new place), he cooked me a lovely dinner and we cuddled on the couch. My feelings went from content, to happy, to scared and to sad (the negatives were purely based on the constant thought in the back of my mind that I cannot have this man…not yet). They flitted. But they never once went back to anger.

I find it hard to believe I have only known this man for six days. He is already a huge part of my life. His touch, to me, is electric, and I really hope, that he stays in my life for a very long time.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘electric’.

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

Give me a break!

I feel like the ying and yang thing from yesterday is going a bit far. I seem to go from one very good day (like yesterday, throwing positive energy out into the world), to one bad day. Which of course, is today.

There is a little bit of evil in my life at the moment. It is at work so I can’t really go into it too much. We have all experienced when there is that one person in our life, who we may or may not have the option to get rid of, who poisons everyone and everything else with their negativity, laziness and just general rude nature.

The exchange I have had with this person today has left me physically shaking with anger, feeling a little sick and generally angry. It isn’t even lunch time but I am serious need of some down time and a beer would go down nicely (but it isn’t even one o’clock).

Then I started writing this post and another thought came into my mind, how sad a life must this person live to act like this all the time. The way I am feeling right now, maybe they feel like that all the time. That’s a truly horrible thought.

I cannot make things better. This person has made their own bed and they continue to ‘bite the hand that feeds them’. All I can do is try to tolerate them and control my own feelings.

#fmsphotoaday is ‘one o’clock’. Believe me I am yearning for it:

Please hurry up one' o clock!

Please hurry up one’ o clock!

I cannot cope with feeling like this. I cannot cope doing someone else’s work all the time. I cannot cope with nothing going my way. Please, please, please let something change.