The break-up

This weekend has been a bit of a nightmare.

On Friday night, despite the ‘no contact’ rule, the Lieutenant decided to send me a ‘this made me think of you’ email. What he sent was sweet but it wasn’t really necessary. It was a way of getting my attention.

I had spent the day emailing best friends telling them how much I wanted to contact him. I had been told that under no circumstances was I allowed to. Being the obedient girl I am (ahem) I stuck to ‘no contact’. I can only imagine that he was feeling the same but didn’t get told that he’d get his arse kicked if anyone found out he had contacted me.

So, there is was. Waiting in my inbox for me, flashing up saying ‘read me’. So I read it and then. of course, I clicked reply. And that is where it all went wrong. We started an email conversation. I went for drinks with work people, he went for drinks with friends. I called him. He acted like a myriad of guys I’ve dated in the past, but nothing like him. He spoke down to me and when I hung up, I cried. Do I really know this guy at all? Do I have him all wrong? I never imagined he could make me feel this way.

He called me later that night and when I didn’t answer (I was asleep), I received a simple reply accusing me of being with someone else. Firstly, we aren’t together, if I want to be with someone else, then I can. Secondly, I wasn’t. I had spent the night in tears because of him. He is the only one I want.

Saturday came around and he apologised profusely. I told him I needed to see him. That night, I went to his place. He hugged me, he kissed me, he apologised. He cooked dinner and we talked, and he was him again. He clearly deeply regretted taking anger out on me (that apparently should have been directed at his ex) and he promised that it will never happen again. We went to bed together. I shouldn’t have stayed. But, I did.

Then, Sunday arrived and I had to leave. Tears ensued. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. The no contact rule clearly does not work for us, so now, we’re allowed to contact but we’re not allowed to see each other. This is exhausting.

And, just in case you were wondering, this is what he wanted to tell me.  He had seen the below astrological horoscope for me, which reminded him of me:

You are, in a sense, a hero of the heart, one who takes the heroic challenge of loving again. One who knows the difference between love and lust. One who as not given in to the temptations of falling out of love. Hoorah for you and your loyal soul.

So, if I don’t fall out of love with the Lieutenant, where does that leave me?

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The Saturn Return

Whilst I was away , or not blogging (I didn’t really go anywhere, I just didn’t take the time to put anything on here), I made the decision to see a person who specialises in astrological tarot. Now I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe in this sort of thing and I fully respect your beliefs. I however, am a person who reads my horoscope everyday, who is fascinated by the insight I read and no, I don’t believe that you can read anything you like into it. Does it always hit the nail on the head? No. But a lot of the time I find it does work for me and provide me comfort.

I am a little bit of a doubter though, so I was pretty skeptical when the lovely Leanda first arrived at my door. I was determined that she wouldn’t know anything about me, that way if she got things right, great. If she didn’t, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. We sat down and started the reading. I chose cards at random and placed them around the astrological chart that had been lain on the table. What she then told me shocked me, brought tears to my eyes and a slight shake to my voice and filled me with confidence for the future.

Firstly she told me about the ‘Saturn Return’. Now I’ve wikipedied (don’t you love it when you make up a word) it to give you an accurate description of what that means:

…as Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life…

Now, this generally happens at around 29 years old. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Leanda, having looked at my birth chart and my cards, described my Saturn Return as being the equivalent to someone playing ’52 card pick-up’ with my life. Oh, hello, that sounds familiar. So, it seems 2012 was meant to be a rather crappy year for me, and the reason behind it was to clear my life of old worries so that I could start on a new path.

The whole session was very interesting and, I am pleased to say that according to the cards, I am headed towards a very beautiful and satisfactory life. However, I’m still clearing up the mess that the Saturn Return left and tying up some loose ends. That works for me. Here’s to 2013!

Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.

It’s been a long time and so much has happened

What started out as a promise to blog everyday for 2013, hasn’t exactly turned out the way it should have. I find myself in April, with my last blog entry being back in January! How has this happened? How has time gotten away from me so quickly? And how, has it been so easy for me to break my own promise to myself?

The truth is simple. Lots has happened on the love, work, life, health front and blogging just fell to the wayside. I can’t guarantee that won’t happen again, but I can guarantee I feel bad that I haven’t been on here and I will try harder.

In a nutshell what’s been going on to keep me so busy? Well here it is (in the brief format, and I hope, over the next month or so, to go into it into more detail):

  1. The Lieutenant – it has been on and off, and then on and off.  We are now, since yesterday on an off, an off with no contact allowed.  As I talked about before, the Lieutenant wasn’t long out of a relationship when we met.  The aftershock (as I like to think of it) of that relationship is continuing even now.  Emails from the ex, reminders of the boy she cheated on him with, little things that you can’t run away from, keep happening.  And then, with me, he realised he was falling in love again.  And he consciously stopped himself because he didn’t want to get hurt.  As soon as he did it, he knew he had to let me go, until his heart was ready to love again.  It hurt.  But I believe he has done the right thing and I am prepared to let him go, in the hope that one day he will come back and he will be ready to love.  We tried being friends, but whenever we met, there was a clear sexual tension in the room.  The night would end with kissing and then tears.  It is best to stay apart until his heart has healed.
  2. Health – you may recall I had a scare at the end of 2012.  It was the thing that topped off the so called ‘worst year of my life’.  I had an abnormal pap smear test.  Then in January I went to the colposcopy clinic and was told that it didn’t look like anything.  The results came back, and it is something.  I am booked in for a large loop excision of the transformation zone (LLETZ) next month.  It’s a scary prospect and the more goggling I do the more scary it gets.  We all know that if you look anything up on the internet, it always point to death.  I am staying positive, and will blog about this to give my perspective for anyone going through the same thing.
  3. Work – I slog my guts out for very little reward.  This coming week will see what reward I get.
  4. Life – my life is getting more and more simple and that is the way I like it.  My puppy and I have spent this Easter chilling out and enjoying each other’s company.  Which is exactly what we were doing today, when this picture was taken:
Too tired to play

Too tired to play

After a long walk around Sydney Park, Jess was tired.  Too tired to play.  And today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘play’.  A great pic and a great memory to kick start this blog again!

 

 

Putting my eggs in just the one basket and hoping for the best

Last weekend, I was sat at home attempting to build flat pack furniture. I can highly recommend not doing this, and if you do have to, make sure you have a glass of wine to hand and can get up and walk away from the blasted thing as often as possible. For the first time in my life, I really missed having a man around to do this sort of thing for me. I’m pretty happy to be able to say that, as I have a lot of friends who jump from relationship to relationship and it’s almost like they’re not complete without a man in their life. I am very happy to say that is not who I am. I never have been.

When I’m single I am always open to the idea of a new relationship. I’ll even admit to sometimes, when it’s been a while, yearning for someone (at points I have prayed for anyone) to kiss me (and maybe do some other things too) but I have never felt that need to constanlty have someone in my life. It’s always just a ‘would be nice to have’.

Anyway, it’s been several months (well it had been before Friday night) since I had even been kissed. At New Year I hoped for the chance to put a wrong right when I received a random message from a friend of a friend, and as I was sat swearing at the flat pack, I received the message that I had been hoping for. Only now, since the Lieutenant is in my life, I didn’t want to receive that message. So here’s the situation.

The unobtainable man, whom I have known since 2007, moved back to Sydney in 2012. We met up, things got a little hot in the kitchen (literally, we were cooking dinner together when he first kissed me, it was very romantic), and then they progressed. After a perfect night together, we messaged each other daily and had plans to meet up again. Then, I did the stupid thing. I got drunk and I sent a message I shouldn’t have. I didn’t declare my undying love or anything like that, but it made him nervous. We continued to talk but we never met up again. So his message on Saturday was asking about meeting up again. Had this come two weeks ago I would have been ecstatic.

But, the Friday after my birthday, I met the Lieutenant. He is delicious and amazing but he has also very recently, been hurt by a betrayal. As much as we are not an item, I know if I were to meet up with the unobtainable man, it would crush him. And that is something I just cannot do.

Ultimately, I have played it very cool. I don’t know where things are going with the Lieutenant but I know that he is more important to me than testing the waters with the unobtainable man. And, that is, in itself, a pretty big thing to say. At the same time everyone I know is telling me to date them both. Neither has committed to me, so why commit to them? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. But I’ve always been the gambling type, and right now, my money is well and truly on the Lieutenant.

From a bad day, to the best night

After an average day in the office, I arrived at the train station two minutes late for my train. This meant that I had to battle with my phone, which then died, to try and figure out how to get home. I don’t live that far from the city, but if I miss a direct train, it’s a long wait for another so, I have to get several connections.

With a dead phone in hand, I could feel an anger rising up inside me. An anger I don’t feel very often anymore but, at this time last year, I felt everyday. It’s an anger that happens when nothing is going right. When there is frustration and confusion. When no one is helping you.

I got home to find that the guy I was buying a washing machine off, and picking up that night, had accidentally double booked himself so I couldn’t get the washing machine. The anger raged.

Then, I got a message from him. The man I met on Friday night. The man who is too soon out of a relationship for anything to really happen between us. He had offered to help me with the washing machine so I told him there was no need. He wanted to see me anyway. So I drove to his place. I was in a foul mood and I told him that. But he still wanted to see me. I was actually a little concerned about how he would react to my mood. I know that I can be an absolute bitch when it comes to it. It was a sticking point in my last relationship. My ex couldn’t deal with me when I’d had a bad day. His answer was to get takeout (I hate takeout and prefer home cooked meals), lounge on the couch and not be concerned about the cleaning, washing or anything else that needed doing. And, as I sat there, I would think about all those jobs that we should be doing and the rage inside me would continue to burn.

When my man got into the car yesterday, I was so angry. But within five minutes, and with one very brief touch, the anger had passed. I was smiling. I was laughing. My day had turned around. We went back to mine, we delivered a dining table to a lady with an autistic child who was unable to pick up (I am selling things that don’t fit/go with my new place), he cooked me a lovely dinner and we cuddled on the couch. My feelings went from content, to happy, to scared and to sad (the negatives were purely based on the constant thought in the back of my mind that I cannot have this man…not yet). They flitted. But they never once went back to anger.

I find it hard to believe I have only known this man for six days. He is already a huge part of my life. His touch, to me, is electric, and I really hope, that he stays in my life for a very long time.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘electric’.

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow…

Patience is not something I have ever had. I may have been first in the line when they were handing out organisation skills, common sense and stubborness but, I was definitely last in the line when it came to patience.

That’s why the past year has been particularly tough. I could not stand everything going wrong, me losing control and just having to wait and trust in the universe for things to go right again. A line in Katy Perry’s song ‘Firework’ comes to mine, ‘after a hurricane, comes a rainbow’. But my problem is that I want the hurricane to just hurry up. I want to see the rainbow.

I know there are certain ‘grieving’ periods that people need to go through when a relationship ends. There are stages to it. It starts with total depression and unacceptance, then sometimes anger takes over and finally we just feel sad that it’s over but happy for the memories. I’ve turned the corner and am at that stage….finally. Whilst it was all going on, I recall begging my friends to find a fast forward button. I needed them to take away the loneliness and the sadness that was eating me up. But there is no fast forward and I was told (repeatedly) that I needed to be patient (and given lots of wine, beer and shoulders to cry on throughout that process).

Now, I again need to be patient whilst someone else goes through the same thing. I don’t think patience will ever be easy for me. I will always want things now. But I understand the need to go through the process in order to come out the other side a happier, healthier person who is able to fully give themselves to someone else.

My ex didn’t take this route. He is embroiled in a bad relationship which started weeks after we broke up (we had been together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married). He didn’t cry when we ended. But, now he talks to me about his relationship. How things aren’t going as planned. How she’s a little bit too much crazy. How it has never been right. Even how she won’t share her chocolate. And, when he does, I see his eyes fill up with tears. I know deep down inside, that some of those tears are for our relationship, the one that he never gave himself time to deal with. But it still hurts me, that he never really cried for me, and I question if he ever really loved me?

I saw another man’s eyes fill with tears a couple of days ago. The delicious man I met on Friday night, when talking to me about how he’d just broken up with his ex (a three and a half year relationship). It was messy and I could see the pain in his eyes as the tears filled them. He didn’t cry to me, but I know, had the situation between us been different, he probably would have. And I know that I have to let him go. He needs to deal with it. Cry over her. And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, come back to me a happier, healthier person, ready to fully give himself to me and our relationship (whether that be a friendship or more).

I have turned the corner. I am lucky. Now, it is his turn to live through that hurricane and seek out his rainbow. And I need to be patient.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘corner’ (borrowed from another blogger).

I've turned the corner and here's my rainbow.  Fingers crossed others get this gift too.

I’ve turned the corner and here’s my rainbow. Fingers crossed others get this gift too.