The break-up

This weekend has been a bit of a nightmare.

On Friday night, despite the ‘no contact’ rule, the Lieutenant decided to send me a ‘this made me think of you’ email. What he sent was sweet but it wasn’t really necessary. It was a way of getting my attention.

I had spent the day emailing best friends telling them how much I wanted to contact him. I had been told that under no circumstances was I allowed to. Being the obedient girl I am (ahem) I stuck to ‘no contact’. I can only imagine that he was feeling the same but didn’t get told that he’d get his arse kicked if anyone found out he had contacted me.

So, there is was. Waiting in my inbox for me, flashing up saying ‘read me’. So I read it and then. of course, I clicked reply. And that is where it all went wrong. We started an email conversation. I went for drinks with work people, he went for drinks with friends. I called him. He acted like a myriad of guys I’ve dated in the past, but nothing like him. He spoke down to me and when I hung up, I cried. Do I really know this guy at all? Do I have him all wrong? I never imagined he could make me feel this way.

He called me later that night and when I didn’t answer (I was asleep), I received a simple reply accusing me of being with someone else. Firstly, we aren’t together, if I want to be with someone else, then I can. Secondly, I wasn’t. I had spent the night in tears because of him. He is the only one I want.

Saturday came around and he apologised profusely. I told him I needed to see him. That night, I went to his place. He hugged me, he kissed me, he apologised. He cooked dinner and we talked, and he was him again. He clearly deeply regretted taking anger out on me (that apparently should have been directed at his ex) and he promised that it will never happen again. We went to bed together. I shouldn’t have stayed. But, I did.

Then, Sunday arrived and I had to leave. Tears ensued. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. The no contact rule clearly does not work for us, so now, we’re allowed to contact but we’re not allowed to see each other. This is exhausting.

And, just in case you were wondering, this is what he wanted to tell me.  He had seen the below astrological horoscope for me, which reminded him of me:

You are, in a sense, a hero of the heart, one who takes the heroic challenge of loving again. One who knows the difference between love and lust. One who as not given in to the temptations of falling out of love. Hoorah for you and your loyal soul.

So, if I don’t fall out of love with the Lieutenant, where does that leave me?

The Saturn Return

Whilst I was away , or not blogging (I didn’t really go anywhere, I just didn’t take the time to put anything on here), I made the decision to see a person who specialises in astrological tarot. Now I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe in this sort of thing and I fully respect your beliefs. I however, am a person who reads my horoscope everyday, who is fascinated by the insight I read and no, I don’t believe that you can read anything you like into it. Does it always hit the nail on the head? No. But a lot of the time I find it does work for me and provide me comfort.

I am a little bit of a doubter though, so I was pretty skeptical when the lovely Leanda first arrived at my door. I was determined that she wouldn’t know anything about me, that way if she got things right, great. If she didn’t, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. We sat down and started the reading. I chose cards at random and placed them around the astrological chart that had been lain on the table. What she then told me shocked me, brought tears to my eyes and a slight shake to my voice and filled me with confidence for the future.

Firstly she told me about the ‘Saturn Return’. Now I’ve wikipedied (don’t you love it when you make up a word) it to give you an accurate description of what that means:

…as Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life…

Now, this generally happens at around 29 years old. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Leanda, having looked at my birth chart and my cards, described my Saturn Return as being the equivalent to someone playing ’52 card pick-up’ with my life. Oh, hello, that sounds familiar. So, it seems 2012 was meant to be a rather crappy year for me, and the reason behind it was to clear my life of old worries so that I could start on a new path.

The whole session was very interesting and, I am pleased to say that according to the cards, I am headed towards a very beautiful and satisfactory life. However, I’m still clearing up the mess that the Saturn Return left and tying up some loose ends. That works for me. Here’s to 2013!

Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.