From a bad day, to the best night

After an average day in the office, I arrived at the train station two minutes late for my train. This meant that I had to battle with my phone, which then died, to try and figure out how to get home. I don’t live that far from the city, but if I miss a direct train, it’s a long wait for another so, I have to get several connections.

With a dead phone in hand, I could feel an anger rising up inside me. An anger I don’t feel very often anymore but, at this time last year, I felt everyday. It’s an anger that happens when nothing is going right. When there is frustration and confusion. When no one is helping you.

I got home to find that the guy I was buying a washing machine off, and picking up that night, had accidentally double booked himself so I couldn’t get the washing machine. The anger raged.

Then, I got a message from him. The man I met on Friday night. The man who is too soon out of a relationship for anything to really happen between us. He had offered to help me with the washing machine so I told him there was no need. He wanted to see me anyway. So I drove to his place. I was in a foul mood and I told him that. But he still wanted to see me. I was actually a little concerned about how he would react to my mood. I know that I can be an absolute bitch when it comes to it. It was a sticking point in my last relationship. My ex couldn’t deal with me when I’d had a bad day. His answer was to get takeout (I hate takeout and prefer home cooked meals), lounge on the couch and not be concerned about the cleaning, washing or anything else that needed doing. And, as I sat there, I would think about all those jobs that we should be doing and the rage inside me would continue to burn.

When my man got into the car yesterday, I was so angry. But within five minutes, and with one very brief touch, the anger had passed. I was smiling. I was laughing. My day had turned around. We went back to mine, we delivered a dining table to a lady with an autistic child who was unable to pick up (I am selling things that don’t fit/go with my new place), he cooked me a lovely dinner and we cuddled on the couch. My feelings went from content, to happy, to scared and to sad (the negatives were purely based on the constant thought in the back of my mind that I cannot have this man…not yet). They flitted. But they never once went back to anger.

I find it hard to believe I have only known this man for six days. He is already a huge part of my life. His touch, to me, is electric, and I really hope, that he stays in my life for a very long time.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘electric’.

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

Adding a little bit of light into our lives

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After a hurricane, comes a rainbow…

Patience is not something I have ever had. I may have been first in the line when they were handing out organisation skills, common sense and stubborness but, I was definitely last in the line when it came to patience.

That’s why the past year has been particularly tough. I could not stand everything going wrong, me losing control and just having to wait and trust in the universe for things to go right again. A line in Katy Perry’s song ‘Firework’ comes to mine, ‘after a hurricane, comes a rainbow’. But my problem is that I want the hurricane to just hurry up. I want to see the rainbow.

I know there are certain ‘grieving’ periods that people need to go through when a relationship ends. There are stages to it. It starts with total depression and unacceptance, then sometimes anger takes over and finally we just feel sad that it’s over but happy for the memories. I’ve turned the corner and am at that stage….finally. Whilst it was all going on, I recall begging my friends to find a fast forward button. I needed them to take away the loneliness and the sadness that was eating me up. But there is no fast forward and I was told (repeatedly) that I needed to be patient (and given lots of wine, beer and shoulders to cry on throughout that process).

Now, I again need to be patient whilst someone else goes through the same thing. I don’t think patience will ever be easy for me. I will always want things now. But I understand the need to go through the process in order to come out the other side a happier, healthier person who is able to fully give themselves to someone else.

My ex didn’t take this route. He is embroiled in a bad relationship which started weeks after we broke up (we had been together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married). He didn’t cry when we ended. But, now he talks to me about his relationship. How things aren’t going as planned. How she’s a little bit too much crazy. How it has never been right. Even how she won’t share her chocolate. And, when he does, I see his eyes fill up with tears. I know deep down inside, that some of those tears are for our relationship, the one that he never gave himself time to deal with. But it still hurts me, that he never really cried for me, and I question if he ever really loved me?

I saw another man’s eyes fill with tears a couple of days ago. The delicious man I met on Friday night, when talking to me about how he’d just broken up with his ex (a three and a half year relationship). It was messy and I could see the pain in his eyes as the tears filled them. He didn’t cry to me, but I know, had the situation between us been different, he probably would have. And I know that I have to let him go. He needs to deal with it. Cry over her. And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, come back to me a happier, healthier person, ready to fully give himself to me and our relationship (whether that be a friendship or more).

I have turned the corner. I am lucky. Now, it is his turn to live through that hurricane and seek out his rainbow. And I need to be patient.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘corner’ (borrowed from another blogger).

I've turned the corner and here's my rainbow.  Fingers crossed others get this gift too.

I’ve turned the corner and here’s my rainbow. Fingers crossed others get this gift too.