After a hurricane, comes a rainbow…

Patience is not something I have ever had. I may have been first in the line when they were handing out organisation skills, common sense and stubborness but, I was definitely last in the line when it came to patience.

That’s why the past year has been particularly tough. I could not stand everything going wrong, me losing control and just having to wait and trust in the universe for things to go right again. A line in Katy Perry’s song ‘Firework’ comes to mine, ‘after a hurricane, comes a rainbow’. But my problem is that I want the hurricane to just hurry up. I want to see the rainbow.

I know there are certain ‘grieving’ periods that people need to go through when a relationship ends. There are stages to it. It starts with total depression and unacceptance, then sometimes anger takes over and finally we just feel sad that it’s over but happy for the memories. I’ve turned the corner and am at that stage….finally. Whilst it was all going on, I recall begging my friends to find a fast forward button. I needed them to take away the loneliness and the sadness that was eating me up. But there is no fast forward and I was told (repeatedly) that I needed to be patient (and given lots of wine, beer and shoulders to cry on throughout that process).

Now, I again need to be patient whilst someone else goes through the same thing. I don’t think patience will ever be easy for me. I will always want things now. But I understand the need to go through the process in order to come out the other side a happier, healthier person who is able to fully give themselves to someone else.

My ex didn’t take this route. He is embroiled in a bad relationship which started weeks after we broke up (we had been together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married). He didn’t cry when we ended. But, now he talks to me about his relationship. How things aren’t going as planned. How she’s a little bit too much crazy. How it has never been right. Even how she won’t share her chocolate. And, when he does, I see his eyes fill up with tears. I know deep down inside, that some of those tears are for our relationship, the one that he never gave himself time to deal with. But it still hurts me, that he never really cried for me, and I question if he ever really loved me?

I saw another man’s eyes fill with tears a couple of days ago. The delicious man I met on Friday night, when talking to me about how he’d just broken up with his ex (a three and a half year relationship). It was messy and I could see the pain in his eyes as the tears filled them. He didn’t cry to me, but I know, had the situation between us been different, he probably would have. And I know that I have to let him go. He needs to deal with it. Cry over her. And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, come back to me a happier, healthier person, ready to fully give himself to me and our relationship (whether that be a friendship or more).

I have turned the corner. I am lucky. Now, it is his turn to live through that hurricane and seek out his rainbow. And I need to be patient.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘corner’ (borrowed from another blogger).

I've turned the corner and here's my rainbow.  Fingers crossed others get this gift too.

I’ve turned the corner and here’s my rainbow. Fingers crossed others get this gift too.

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There’s no place like home

What is an ordinary moment? Or even an ordinary day? My facebook newsfeed is currently full of people going on and on about ice and snow. They’re all in the UK. But me? I’m in Australia. An ordinary moment for me, is having a beer in the sun, or as I also did today, going for a walk, not realising the power of the sun and realising afterwards that I’m a tad pink.

There is no such thing as ordinary. Certainly for me, every day is different. Sometimes I wish for the mundane. The lives I hear my friends live. The life at home. Where the same thing happens every day. On the weekend, the same people go to the same pubs and have the same arguments over and over again. It’s like groundhog day. But I love it and I miss it. And that’s what makes it home. For now I’m happy with the uncertainty and the everchanging landscape that is my life. But to the people at home, I beg you, never change. If you do, it won’t be home anymore.

An ordinary moment is today’s #fmsphotoaday:

A beer in the sun

A beer in the sun

Give me a break!

I feel like the ying and yang thing from yesterday is going a bit far. I seem to go from one very good day (like yesterday, throwing positive energy out into the world), to one bad day. Which of course, is today.

There is a little bit of evil in my life at the moment. It is at work so I can’t really go into it too much. We have all experienced when there is that one person in our life, who we may or may not have the option to get rid of, who poisons everyone and everything else with their negativity, laziness and just general rude nature.

The exchange I have had with this person today has left me physically shaking with anger, feeling a little sick and generally angry. It isn’t even lunch time but I am serious need of some down time and a beer would go down nicely (but it isn’t even one o’clock).

Then I started writing this post and another thought came into my mind, how sad a life must this person live to act like this all the time. The way I am feeling right now, maybe they feel like that all the time. That’s a truly horrible thought.

I cannot make things better. This person has made their own bed and they continue to ‘bite the hand that feeds them’. All I can do is try to tolerate them and control my own feelings.

#fmsphotoaday is ‘one o’clock’. Believe me I am yearning for it:

Please hurry up one' o clock!

Please hurry up one’ o clock!

I cannot cope with feeling like this. I cannot cope doing someone else’s work all the time. I cannot cope with nothing going my way. Please, please, please let something change.