Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.

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After a hurricane, comes a rainbow…

Patience is not something I have ever had. I may have been first in the line when they were handing out organisation skills, common sense and stubborness but, I was definitely last in the line when it came to patience.

That’s why the past year has been particularly tough. I could not stand everything going wrong, me losing control and just having to wait and trust in the universe for things to go right again. A line in Katy Perry’s song ‘Firework’ comes to mine, ‘after a hurricane, comes a rainbow’. But my problem is that I want the hurricane to just hurry up. I want to see the rainbow.

I know there are certain ‘grieving’ periods that people need to go through when a relationship ends. There are stages to it. It starts with total depression and unacceptance, then sometimes anger takes over and finally we just feel sad that it’s over but happy for the memories. I’ve turned the corner and am at that stage….finally. Whilst it was all going on, I recall begging my friends to find a fast forward button. I needed them to take away the loneliness and the sadness that was eating me up. But there is no fast forward and I was told (repeatedly) that I needed to be patient (and given lots of wine, beer and shoulders to cry on throughout that process).

Now, I again need to be patient whilst someone else goes through the same thing. I don’t think patience will ever be easy for me. I will always want things now. But I understand the need to go through the process in order to come out the other side a happier, healthier person who is able to fully give themselves to someone else.

My ex didn’t take this route. He is embroiled in a bad relationship which started weeks after we broke up (we had been together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married). He didn’t cry when we ended. But, now he talks to me about his relationship. How things aren’t going as planned. How she’s a little bit too much crazy. How it has never been right. Even how she won’t share her chocolate. And, when he does, I see his eyes fill up with tears. I know deep down inside, that some of those tears are for our relationship, the one that he never gave himself time to deal with. But it still hurts me, that he never really cried for me, and I question if he ever really loved me?

I saw another man’s eyes fill with tears a couple of days ago. The delicious man I met on Friday night, when talking to me about how he’d just broken up with his ex (a three and a half year relationship). It was messy and I could see the pain in his eyes as the tears filled them. He didn’t cry to me, but I know, had the situation between us been different, he probably would have. And I know that I have to let him go. He needs to deal with it. Cry over her. And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, come back to me a happier, healthier person, ready to fully give himself to me and our relationship (whether that be a friendship or more).

I have turned the corner. I am lucky. Now, it is his turn to live through that hurricane and seek out his rainbow. And I need to be patient.

Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘corner’ (borrowed from another blogger).

I've turned the corner and here's my rainbow.  Fingers crossed others get this gift too.

I’ve turned the corner and here’s my rainbow. Fingers crossed others get this gift too.