Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.

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It’s been a long time and so much has happened

What started out as a promise to blog everyday for 2013, hasn’t exactly turned out the way it should have. I find myself in April, with my last blog entry being back in January! How has this happened? How has time gotten away from me so quickly? And how, has it been so easy for me to break my own promise to myself?

The truth is simple. Lots has happened on the love, work, life, health front and blogging just fell to the wayside. I can’t guarantee that won’t happen again, but I can guarantee I feel bad that I haven’t been on here and I will try harder.

In a nutshell what’s been going on to keep me so busy? Well here it is (in the brief format, and I hope, over the next month or so, to go into it into more detail):

  1. The Lieutenant – it has been on and off, and then on and off.  We are now, since yesterday on an off, an off with no contact allowed.  As I talked about before, the Lieutenant wasn’t long out of a relationship when we met.  The aftershock (as I like to think of it) of that relationship is continuing even now.  Emails from the ex, reminders of the boy she cheated on him with, little things that you can’t run away from, keep happening.  And then, with me, he realised he was falling in love again.  And he consciously stopped himself because he didn’t want to get hurt.  As soon as he did it, he knew he had to let me go, until his heart was ready to love again.  It hurt.  But I believe he has done the right thing and I am prepared to let him go, in the hope that one day he will come back and he will be ready to love.  We tried being friends, but whenever we met, there was a clear sexual tension in the room.  The night would end with kissing and then tears.  It is best to stay apart until his heart has healed.
  2. Health – you may recall I had a scare at the end of 2012.  It was the thing that topped off the so called ‘worst year of my life’.  I had an abnormal pap smear test.  Then in January I went to the colposcopy clinic and was told that it didn’t look like anything.  The results came back, and it is something.  I am booked in for a large loop excision of the transformation zone (LLETZ) next month.  It’s a scary prospect and the more goggling I do the more scary it gets.  We all know that if you look anything up on the internet, it always point to death.  I am staying positive, and will blog about this to give my perspective for anyone going through the same thing.
  3. Work – I slog my guts out for very little reward.  This coming week will see what reward I get.
  4. Life – my life is getting more and more simple and that is the way I like it.  My puppy and I have spent this Easter chilling out and enjoying each other’s company.  Which is exactly what we were doing today, when this picture was taken:
Too tired to play

Too tired to play

After a long walk around Sydney Park, Jess was tired.  Too tired to play.  And today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘play’.  A great pic and a great memory to kick start this blog again!

 

 

Putting my eggs in just the one basket and hoping for the best

Last weekend, I was sat at home attempting to build flat pack furniture. I can highly recommend not doing this, and if you do have to, make sure you have a glass of wine to hand and can get up and walk away from the blasted thing as often as possible. For the first time in my life, I really missed having a man around to do this sort of thing for me. I’m pretty happy to be able to say that, as I have a lot of friends who jump from relationship to relationship and it’s almost like they’re not complete without a man in their life. I am very happy to say that is not who I am. I never have been.

When I’m single I am always open to the idea of a new relationship. I’ll even admit to sometimes, when it’s been a while, yearning for someone (at points I have prayed for anyone) to kiss me (and maybe do some other things too) but I have never felt that need to constanlty have someone in my life. It’s always just a ‘would be nice to have’.

Anyway, it’s been several months (well it had been before Friday night) since I had even been kissed. At New Year I hoped for the chance to put a wrong right when I received a random message from a friend of a friend, and as I was sat swearing at the flat pack, I received the message that I had been hoping for. Only now, since the Lieutenant is in my life, I didn’t want to receive that message. So here’s the situation.

The unobtainable man, whom I have known since 2007, moved back to Sydney in 2012. We met up, things got a little hot in the kitchen (literally, we were cooking dinner together when he first kissed me, it was very romantic), and then they progressed. After a perfect night together, we messaged each other daily and had plans to meet up again. Then, I did the stupid thing. I got drunk and I sent a message I shouldn’t have. I didn’t declare my undying love or anything like that, but it made him nervous. We continued to talk but we never met up again. So his message on Saturday was asking about meeting up again. Had this come two weeks ago I would have been ecstatic.

But, the Friday after my birthday, I met the Lieutenant. He is delicious and amazing but he has also very recently, been hurt by a betrayal. As much as we are not an item, I know if I were to meet up with the unobtainable man, it would crush him. And that is something I just cannot do.

Ultimately, I have played it very cool. I don’t know where things are going with the Lieutenant but I know that he is more important to me than testing the waters with the unobtainable man. And, that is, in itself, a pretty big thing to say. At the same time everyone I know is telling me to date them both. Neither has committed to me, so why commit to them? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. But I’ve always been the gambling type, and right now, my money is well and truly on the Lieutenant.

Oops, I did it again

I’ve not been very good at this blogging malarky lately, have I? Since I moved into my new place, a home of my own, where I thought I would actually get more time to sit down and type, I’ve barely blogged a thing. I can only apologise and let you know that I haven’t given up or forgotten about you, or about my personal challenege for 2013.

I think maybe expecting to blog every day was a little much. But, then again I view this in the same way I view going to the gym. I aim to go at least four times a week. It is a rare occasion I make it to four, but with this goal in mind, I generally make it to three which is pretty satisfactory. If my goal were three times a week, I’d probably only make it twice and then wouldn’t push myself for the third session. So, you see, it’s all relative. Not that I’ve actually been to the gym since moving house either, but I can promise I’ve been doing a lot of sweating and lifting whilst getting things sorted (and that kind of makes up for things).

So, what else has happened since we last ‘spoke’? The house is really starting to shape up and I am really happy with it. I’m waiting for a few more things to arrive (hurry up Australia Post) before I can have the gorgeous Jess move in with me (she is currently with her dead beat human Dad) but her first visit to her new home will take place on Sunday. Jess, being a fourteen and a half year old border collie, is a pretty sensitive soul. She doesn’t like change and as much as I know she will love the new place, and will love being back with her (human) Mumma again, throwing her in at the deep end will not be good for her. So, we’ve agreed to do a few visits beforehand so she gets used to the place before she is with me full time. Preparation seems to be taking forever but it will all be worth it in the end.

My Friday night man (I think maybe I need to come up with a new name for him as it currently sounds like I only see him on Friday nights which is totally not true, so from here on in, he shall be ‘the Lieutenant – yep, you guessed right, he’s a military man) has been an angel. We spent all of yesterday together and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. Just thinking about him makes me smile. We’re taking it one day at a time and as much as we had said we needed to cool things off whilst he grieved for his last relationship, we realised we’re just not very good at that. I guess that electricity is still flowing between us.

On a more serious note, today was a day I had been dreading. In November last year I went for a Pap smear test. I’ve been having them since I was 18 and have always been fine, so I wasn’t even the slightest bit concerned. Well, not until I received a voicemail from the doctor’s surgery asking me to come back in to talk about the results. It turned out they had found some ‘possible’ abnormal cells and I needed to see a specialist. It seemed to top off what had been a very bad year. I recall when I was made redundant actually saying (and being told not to jinx things) that “the only things left to go wrong, would be for me to have a major health scare”. Then, it was like “hello, major health scare, thanks for joining the party”.

But that was last year. This year is going to be a good year. I am pleased to report that the specialist took some swabs for further tests but couldn’t see much else. It looks like (and my fingers are well and truly crossed) everything is going to be alright. Yay for 2013! Yay for good news!

I know I have a lot of #fmsphotoaday posts to catch up on, and I promise I will. Seriously, I promise!!