Patience is not something I have ever had. I may have been first in the line when they were handing out organisation skills, common sense and stubborness but, I was definitely last in the line when it came to patience.
That’s why the past year has been particularly tough. I could not stand everything going wrong, me losing control and just having to wait and trust in the universe for things to go right again. A line in Katy Perry’s song ‘Firework’ comes to mine, ‘after a hurricane, comes a rainbow’. But my problem is that I want the hurricane to just hurry up. I want to see the rainbow.
I know there are certain ‘grieving’ periods that people need to go through when a relationship ends. There are stages to it. It starts with total depression and unacceptance, then sometimes anger takes over and finally we just feel sad that it’s over but happy for the memories. I’ve turned the corner and am at that stage….finally. Whilst it was all going on, I recall begging my friends to find a fast forward button. I needed them to take away the loneliness and the sadness that was eating me up. But there is no fast forward and I was told (repeatedly) that I needed to be patient (and given lots of wine, beer and shoulders to cry on throughout that process).
Now, I again need to be patient whilst someone else goes through the same thing. I don’t think patience will ever be easy for me. I will always want things now. But I understand the need to go through the process in order to come out the other side a happier, healthier person who is able to fully give themselves to someone else.
My ex didn’t take this route. He is embroiled in a bad relationship which started weeks after we broke up (we had been together for four and a half years and were engaged to be married). He didn’t cry when we ended. But, now he talks to me about his relationship. How things aren’t going as planned. How she’s a little bit too much crazy. How it has never been right. Even how she won’t share her chocolate. And, when he does, I see his eyes fill up with tears. I know deep down inside, that some of those tears are for our relationship, the one that he never gave himself time to deal with. But it still hurts me, that he never really cried for me, and I question if he ever really loved me?
I saw another man’s eyes fill with tears a couple of days ago. The delicious man I met on Friday night, when talking to me about how he’d just broken up with his ex (a three and a half year relationship). It was messy and I could see the pain in his eyes as the tears filled them. He didn’t cry to me, but I know, had the situation between us been different, he probably would have. And I know that I have to let him go. He needs to deal with it. Cry over her. And hopefully, if it’s meant to be, come back to me a happier, healthier person, ready to fully give himself to me and our relationship (whether that be a friendship or more).
I have turned the corner. I am lucky. Now, it is his turn to live through that hurricane and seek out his rainbow. And I need to be patient.
Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘corner’ (borrowed from another blogger).