Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.

I haven’t felt like this for a while

As much as my resolution was to blog everyday, there were always going to be things that got in the way of that. A lack of internet and laptop were the cause of my lack of blogging this weekend.

Saturday was move day. Whilst packing things up and loading them into the car, I found a hard drive a friend had given me asking me to copy the contents from my flatmates hard drive (apparently there are 650 movies on there) and add it to her hard drive. Not being the most technologically able person in the world (I’m not bad, but not great either), I had avoided doing it…until Saturday when I realised it was now or never. So I hooked it all up (with the help of a friend) and then realised it was going to take 27 hours to transfer. Hence my laptop being hijacked for the weekend.

The move went well. I realise that I am not as motivated as I used to be. What happened to all that energy I used to have? I need to get it back as there is still so much to do! But the place does feel like home and that is something I haven’t had for a while.

On a more interesting note, Friday night was my joint birthday drinks with a beautiful friend. Another (equally beautiful) friend of ours, introduced me to her very hot, very gorgeous, recently single friend. Wow! It was like a dream come true. An absolutely delicious specimen of a man. Unfortunately for me, he has only just ended a very serious relationship and so it is not meant to be…for now at least. I agree massively that he needs time to get over his last girlfriend before he can truly give himself to someone else. I’m just still kind of hoping that someone might be me. I haven’t felt that comfortable with someone for a long time, so fingers are crossed.

Now, on to photos (I have some catching up to do). Saturday’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘delicious’ (pretty appropriate that I met a delicious man but, this beautiful flower was given to me by my favourite little man. A three and a half year old, who is just gorgeous (and when he comes running over to me with his arm outstretched holding out a flower for me, well how could I possibly want anything more?)).

A delivious flower from my delicious little man

Sunday’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘something you saw’. Well I saw my home. Not just my house, my actual home for the first time in a long time.

Finally it looks like home – a welcoming bubble bath after a hard day of moving

And today? Today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘what you do’. So, what do I do? I keep trying, I keep going and I never give up.

This is my year!

Who called me special?

When we first rescused my beautiful border collie pup from Battersea Dogs Home, we came to the conculsion she was a little special. Border collie’s are of course supposed to be super intelligent and Jess, at the prime age of 11, seemed to know nothing, didn’t want to learn and was scared of everything from tiled floors to cuddly toys.

Four years on and I actually realise she is super intelligent. I’ve taught her to chase a ball when we’re in the park, but she refuses to bring it back to me. Instead she stands and looks from it to me, as if to say “go on then, come and get it”. If you watch us, it looks like I’m fetching the ball and then throwing it to her! I do all the work. Who’s the clever one here?

Today Jess surpassed herself. As it’s a super hot day in Sydney, I took her to the garden, opened the back gate (which opens onto a little park) and pointed the hose at her. She was drenched (but cool) and she gave me a stinking look! I ushered her outside to dry off a little before coming back into the house. Jess normally battles me to come in but she went straight out, and headed for the crowds of people who had just come out of the Church in their Sunday best. Yes, my clever Collie, definitely got her own back on me, by standing next to those people, dressed in all their finery, and shaking. They were soaked, I was apologising like no one’s business. It was a true ‘Marley and Me’ moment. And, with that Jess gave me a satisfied look and wandered back to the house.

She can be a nightmare (and she’s still scared of tiled floors), but she sure has hell makes me smile and most importantly, she is mine (the title of today’s #fmsphotoaday).

She’s saying it about the ball and I’m saying it about her (all mine)

This is my year, and it is moment’s like this that, although embarassing, that make me grateful for all I have (plus those people were coming out of church, surely they must have to forgive me, right?).