The break-up

This weekend has been a bit of a nightmare.

On Friday night, despite the ‘no contact’ rule, the Lieutenant decided to send me a ‘this made me think of you’ email. What he sent was sweet but it wasn’t really necessary. It was a way of getting my attention.

I had spent the day emailing best friends telling them how much I wanted to contact him. I had been told that under no circumstances was I allowed to. Being the obedient girl I am (ahem) I stuck to ‘no contact’. I can only imagine that he was feeling the same but didn’t get told that he’d get his arse kicked if anyone found out he had contacted me.

So, there is was. Waiting in my inbox for me, flashing up saying ‘read me’. So I read it and then. of course, I clicked reply. And that is where it all went wrong. We started an email conversation. I went for drinks with work people, he went for drinks with friends. I called him. He acted like a myriad of guys I’ve dated in the past, but nothing like him. He spoke down to me and when I hung up, I cried. Do I really know this guy at all? Do I have him all wrong? I never imagined he could make me feel this way.

He called me later that night and when I didn’t answer (I was asleep), I received a simple reply accusing me of being with someone else. Firstly, we aren’t together, if I want to be with someone else, then I can. Secondly, I wasn’t. I had spent the night in tears because of him. He is the only one I want.

Saturday came around and he apologised profusely. I told him I needed to see him. That night, I went to his place. He hugged me, he kissed me, he apologised. He cooked dinner and we talked, and he was him again. He clearly deeply regretted taking anger out on me (that apparently should have been directed at his ex) and he promised that it will never happen again. We went to bed together. I shouldn’t have stayed. But, I did.

Then, Sunday arrived and I had to leave. Tears ensued. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. The no contact rule clearly does not work for us, so now, we’re allowed to contact but we’re not allowed to see each other. This is exhausting.

And, just in case you were wondering, this is what he wanted to tell me.  He had seen the below astrological horoscope for me, which reminded him of me:

You are, in a sense, a hero of the heart, one who takes the heroic challenge of loving again. One who knows the difference between love and lust. One who as not given in to the temptations of falling out of love. Hoorah for you and your loyal soul.

So, if I don’t fall out of love with the Lieutenant, where does that leave me?

The Saturn Return

Whilst I was away , or not blogging (I didn’t really go anywhere, I just didn’t take the time to put anything on here), I made the decision to see a person who specialises in astrological tarot. Now I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe in this sort of thing and I fully respect your beliefs. I however, am a person who reads my horoscope everyday, who is fascinated by the insight I read and no, I don’t believe that you can read anything you like into it. Does it always hit the nail on the head? No. But a lot of the time I find it does work for me and provide me comfort.

I am a little bit of a doubter though, so I was pretty skeptical when the lovely Leanda first arrived at my door. I was determined that she wouldn’t know anything about me, that way if she got things right, great. If she didn’t, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. We sat down and started the reading. I chose cards at random and placed them around the astrological chart that had been lain on the table. What she then told me shocked me, brought tears to my eyes and a slight shake to my voice and filled me with confidence for the future.

Firstly she told me about the ‘Saturn Return’. Now I’ve wikipedied (don’t you love it when you make up a word) it to give you an accurate description of what that means:

…as Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life…

Now, this generally happens at around 29 years old. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Leanda, having looked at my birth chart and my cards, described my Saturn Return as being the equivalent to someone playing ’52 card pick-up’ with my life. Oh, hello, that sounds familiar. So, it seems 2012 was meant to be a rather crappy year for me, and the reason behind it was to clear my life of old worries so that I could start on a new path.

The whole session was very interesting and, I am pleased to say that according to the cards, I am headed towards a very beautiful and satisfactory life. However, I’m still clearing up the mess that the Saturn Return left and tying up some loose ends. That works for me. Here’s to 2013!

Boomba

There’s a  new name being used in our house, “Boomba”.  I had a feeling that Jess was putting on a bit of weight.  If I’m honest her weight has fluctuated since we got her at eleven years old but today, I realised it had managed to creep up again.

When we rescued Jess, she was a very skinny 17kg border collie.  Now 17kg, isn’t that bad for her breed and she wasn’t starving or anything (though she was not at all motivated by food and would often refuse to eat) but you could easily have mistaken her for a border collie whippet cross (which I’m sure would be given a very amusing name like whipollie or bordepet (almost a little French sounding)). 

So, like any loving parents, we encouraged her to eat.  And, then at our first ever Battersea Reunion party (Battersea dogs home hold an annual reunion for all of their rescued pets in Battersea Park every year) there was a professional photographer, and as proud parents, we took Jess along to the stand.  I remember being so proud on the day, and then when we were emailed the proofs to see if we wanted to purchase, I realised our dog was overwreigh!!  How could that be?  Only months before (this was probably over a six month period) she was the skinniest little thing.  But now, she was definitely in need of a diet and exercise (not that she didn’t get walked several times a day) .

Since then her weight has always been good.  I’d say she’s always been on the heavier side of the ‘ideal range’ for her breed but she’s still in the ideal section.

Even today, as the scales went up and it became apparent her food portions and treats needed to come down, she is not classed as overweight.  Jess gets plenty of exercise, the walk back and forth to the vets was over 3.5kms

Let’s just say, it wouldn’t hurt her to miss a meal and with her arthritis getting worse, the weight needs to come back down.  So dinner was slightly smaller tonight, and my little fattie boomba, gave me a look of sheer horror when I refused her any treats from the cupboard.  This puppy is joining the unofficial Biggest Loser House!

Don’t worry pup, you’ll still get your goodbye treat when I leave for work in the morning (but your breakfast may have been a little smaller than normal).

Missing my man

Since Sunday, the day the Lieutenant left, I’ve found myself so often going to pick up my phone to send him a message because something has reminded me of him. Sometimes it’s something I’ve seen, sometimes it’s something I’ve achieved, sometimes it’s just something I know he would find amusing. And I love his smile, so anything I can do to make him smile, I would.

Writing this post is making me smile because it’s making me think of him. And even though I haven’t heard from him since we agreed to no contact, the thought of him still makes me smile. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back but, I do know that he has affected me in a way that no man has in a very long time. In truth, the only time I’ve felt this way before, was over ten years ago.

My relationship then was intense. I was seventeen when it began and nineteen when it ended. I was heart broken (as was he) when it ended. And I remember being stood outside Uni, having just got a really good mark (or grade) in an exam, and pulling out my phone with a huge smile on my face, before realising that I couldn’t call. He wasn’t there anymore. And then I cried.

He was my first love and though I know he was far from perfect, since that day, I’ve searched high and low for someone who would understand me the way he did, someone who would laugh with me, who would smile with me, who would cry with me the way he did. And I found that man in the Lieutenant. But he is gone. And I have to accept that. The real question is, how long will this feeling last this time? And more importantly, how long before I find someone else who understand me in that same way? Another ten years? I don’t think I can wait that long.

It’s only be two days but I am consumed by thoughts of him. Surely this isn’t normal. I am not the type to get “hung up” on a guy.

It’s been a long time and so much has happened

What started out as a promise to blog everyday for 2013, hasn’t exactly turned out the way it should have. I find myself in April, with my last blog entry being back in January! How has this happened? How has time gotten away from me so quickly? And how, has it been so easy for me to break my own promise to myself?

The truth is simple. Lots has happened on the love, work, life, health front and blogging just fell to the wayside. I can’t guarantee that won’t happen again, but I can guarantee I feel bad that I haven’t been on here and I will try harder.

In a nutshell what’s been going on to keep me so busy? Well here it is (in the brief format, and I hope, over the next month or so, to go into it into more detail):

1. The Lieutenant – it has been on and off, and then on and off.  We are now, since yesterday on an off, an off with no contact allowed.  As I talked about before, the Lieutenant wasn’t long out of a relationship when we met.  The aftershock (as I like to think of it) of that relationship is continuing even now.  Emails from the ex, reminders of the boy she cheated on him with, little things that you can’t run away from, keep happening.  And then, with me, he realised he was falling in love again.  And he consciously stopped himself because he didn’t want to get hurt.  As soon as he did it, he knew he had to let me go, until his heart was ready to love again.  It hurt.  But I believe he has done the right thing and I am prepared to let him go, in the hope that one day he will come back and he will be ready to love.  We tried being friends, but whenever we met, there was a clear sexual tension in the room.  The night would end with kissing and then tears.  It is best to stay apart until his heart has healed.
2. Health – you may recall I had a scare at the end of 2012.  It was the thing that topped off the so called ‘worst year of my life’.  I had an abnormal pap smear test.  Then in January I went to the colposcopy clinic and was told that it didn’t look like anything.  The results came back, and it is something.  I am booked in for a large loop excision of the transformation zone (LLETZ) next month.  It’s a scary prospect and the more goggling I do the more scary it gets.  We all know that if you look anything up on the internet, it always point to death.  I am staying positive, and will blog about this to give my perspective for anyone going through the same thing.
3. Work – I slog my guts out for very little reward.  This coming week will see what reward I get.
4. Life – my life is getting more and more simple and that is the way I like it.  My puppy and I have spent this Easter chilling out and enjoying each other’s company.  Which is exactly what we were doing today, when this picture was taken:

Too tired to play

After a long walk around Sydney Park, Jess was tired.  Too tired to play.  And today’s #fmsphotoaday is ‘play’.  A great pic and a great memory to kick start this blog again!